Aw hell naw! To the currently unfolding question. No one can write about being mind-fucked, while they are actually being mind-fucked! That would be impossible.
But, many, many, many years ago, as a teen, I stumbled into a relationship with quite the mindfucker. He was brilliant at it…I mean unreal the kinds of things he was doing. Everyone was afraid of him.
And when I first started with him, I couldn’t figure out why everyone was so afraid of him. He seemed so nice…at least that was what he initially presented to me, but that was not exactly who he was.
So slowly, like the boiling frog thing, he began to reveal the darker sides of himself to me. And then when I realized who he really was, it was too late. He had learned how to mindfuck me; and, at that point, I was really scared! In a way that I have never been before, or since, because this wasn’t your average, ordinary, everyday mindfucking…this was some deep, “I have gotten inside of your specific head and know your specific fears and will use them against you”mindfucking.
And additionally, he had a lot of control over external factors, so it was a situation of not feeling safe in my physical world, (because he had gained access and control over a lot of that) as well as not feeling safe in my mental world, because he had gained access to that too, and I dummy that I was, had opened the door to him!
Well…once I figured out what he was doing, I shutdown all access to the inside of my head! But it was still very hard get rid off him because, we were in an intimate relationship-both physical and mental like you described above. He certainly knew me, very well. He made a point of that. I didn’t know him nearly as well, so I was at a disadvantage but I knew he loved me, and I used that against him.
And, I know what you’re thinking — no he didn’t! He was a psychopath or sociopath. I mean some of this sounds like that, right? And…the argument probably could be made. But he wasn’t. He had a conscience and he had emotions, he could just repress them deeply if need be. But he also had a strong moral code, which I didn’t understand at the time, but hindsight 20/20, I think he probably was involved in the drug trade. That would explain a lot of his controlling behaviors and his value system, which, at the time baffled me. Because there was a morality to it, but it was this sort of, “don’t kill people on a Sunday” sort of morality. And I was all like, “so any other day it’s okay to kill people? No!”
He and I were constantly having a lot of those types of conflicts.
So, anyway…I knew I had to get out of this relationship because he was extremely controlling, and I’m not the type that likes to be controlled. I’d hazard a guess and say the more intelligent people are, the less they like or allow themselves to be controlled. So he and I had a problem, because he was determined to completely control certain aspects of my life, and I was equally as determined that he would not. But he was stronger, physically and mentally, so I knew I had a real problem.
I got out of that relationship, by the grace of God, truly. But also, he let me go, and that’s why I believe he loved me.
This relationship, which ended many years ago, haunts me from time to time, because for one, he was murdered. So it literally haunts me, because in some ways there was no real closure to that relationship. So many questions I’d like to ask him, like “why did you mind fuck me, and who taught you how to do all that stuff?”
Because he was brainwashing me, I kid you not! Like I was a fucking Pavlovian dog or something! He was very calculating and regimented about it.
And so I have often wondered, how does a young male, during that time and place (urban black America in the 1990s?) learn how to do some shit like that? I mean this was CIA type shit! And these were preinternet days! You couldn’t google brainwashing and take a crash course. ( Which I happened upon a YouTube video on brainwashing, and that was when I realized, oh my God! This was done to me! Motherfucker! ) Where did he get it from?
So I’ve been marathon watching this show called The Wire, it’s legendary over here. It’s about the corruption and destruction of the American cities. So watching that, it all clicked into place where he learned that stuff — from the streets.
Watching the street people on The Wire, I realized where he was pulling that weird value system from, and I also realized how extraordinarily manipulative street people are. I mean for them, the mind manipulations are at this whole other level. So that’s why I wonder, are they even conscious of it? Mind manipulations among these people, it’s a way to survive. You said something to me about this before, something about how fake people are that way because they learned to be fake in order to survive.
And…I think that’s true. My mom, as I told you before, super fake. Why? Well I figured it out, her parents didn’t value authenticity. No rewards for that, so she just learned to always be fake.
Street people, are not exactly fake, but they are often tricksters. They often present as something they are not, in order to gain something from someone, or trick someone out of something. This boyfriend I had tricked the hell out of me! I had no idea how dangerous he was until it was too late! And yet…he didn’t lie…not exactly. More doing the sin of omission thing, mainly. Like for example, he encouraged me to talk deeply with him about any problems I might encounter in life. Did it ever occur to me to wonder why he wanted me to do this? Yeah it did, and I did. I imagined he was just a good listener and wanted to be helpful. But…he never said that to me. He never said, “I’m just a nice guy, trying to help you out.” But I felt like, that was how he was presenting.
That was my assumption, and it was wrong. And even at the time, I considered that I might be wrong about it, cause Jesus he was a prying motherfucker! Always trying to force open closed spaces in my mind. And…isn’t that sort of thing dangerous? You shouldn’t force people to confront things they aren’t psychologically equipped to deal with, should you?
Anyway, he did that to people. It always seemed like he was trying to be helpful, and honestly maybe he was. But he would turn it back around on you. (And then it wasn’t so helpful.)
I would say, he got me to confide in him to figure out how my mind worked, what I loved, what I feared, so he could use all that to mindfuck me.(And he did.)
What I wonder is Was he even conscious of what he was doing to me, (and others) and how dangerous it was?
I knew what he was doing was dangerous, because as a teen, I wasn’t that mentally stable to begin with, and for him to just start fucking with my head on top of everything else…well, in my gut, I thought it was dangerous. I thought it was dangerous for the both of us, him and me, because back in those days especially I could be highly unpredictable. Just no telling what I would do from moment to moment, especially with him pushing certain buttons.
And…he actually sort of sensed that too…he knew when to back off.
But, aside from just me, (cause I’m really not trying to make this ALL about me) I think that there is a dynamic that was playing out in that relationship, that comes into play in a lot of intimate relationships where you are combining love and sex and mindfucking. These are the kinds of relationships that go dark, and get explosive and someone ends up dead. That was the feeling that I got about that relationship I was in with him, that if I didn’t get out of it, one of us was going to end up dead, because of something one of us did to the other.
And so…I want to call out the dynamic. I also just want to understand it better myself, so I could help someone else caught up in it. A lot of women have questions about why they are drawn to these sorts of relationships…and I know because I’ve written about different aspects of this relationship many times, and I always get lots of questions from women. Especially younger women.
Initially, I couldn’t answer their questions, because I had so many unanswered questions myself. (Why did he mindfuck me, WTF?!?!?)
But as this happened to me almost three decades ago, I can now say, it probably wasn’t personal. That was just the way he dealt with people, because I wasn’t the only one he did that too, or tried to control. He actually controlled other men, and at the time I observed this, I was baffled because I was raised (by my father) to be a very independent thinker. My dad is a lot like you in that he believes everyone everywhere was trying to mindfuck, and so he taught me not to trust or take anything at face value. And he would always say:
“Amber people only have as much power as you give them.”
Do you think that’s true? I mean the irony was, my father exercised a lot of power over my life, I felt. And I would think, “well why in the hell am I giving you so much power, and how can I stop this.” Growing up under him, I thought he was super controlling, and my father would Pavlovian dog me too, but no where near the level that my boyfriend did.
My boyfriend knew how to train people to get them to do exactly what he wanted; and he sure trained me, as hard as that was for him. (I’m not easy to Pavlovian…you have to be Incredibly patient because I will fight it until the point of exhaustion.)
But, anyway, when it was all said and done, I was proud of him. He could have tried to force me into a lot of things that I really didn’t want to do, (like force me to stay in that relationship with him) and he tried. But ultimately he decided to let me go, and as I said before I think it was because he loved me.