Empowered women of any kind scare people so much; but I do find it alarming how utterly terrifying both men and women find sexually empowered women. Let’s think about it. It’s probably because sexually empowered women challenge the most fundamental tenets of the patriarchy most directly.
The patriarchy is about have control, possession and domination over women generally, but most importantly, as it relates to sexuality and procreation. Patriarchy is all about owning women and their progeny…putting your male name on their progeny…claiming these kids as your own (which prior to DNA testing…there was never any way for any man to really know for sure).
If you are a sexually empowered women, basically you are saying: I own myself. My sexuality belongs to me; and maybe even, my children belong to me. you’ll never know for sure if they belong to you. What could be more threatening to the partriarchy? Probably nothing.
This kind of female empowerment upends the whole order of it…and as both men and women are deeply invested in the patriarchy, women who disturb the patriarchy in this way will be attacked viciously by both men and women. (Being called a slut, in a most unkind way.)
From a very young age, all of my female relatives made it clear that women who did not obey the rules of the patriarchy (with regard to sex) were women destined to live sad and tragic lives indeed. They spoke of these women that they knew, with so much disdain that, I quickly, took it into my subconscious mind that these rules about sex must be obeyed. I did not dare to question what I had been told about the rules around sex until early adulthood.
But so much has changed since my day. So many of these rules have been turned on their head. Tinder? Are you effing kidding me? I would have been told an app like that was “the work of the devil.”
But, it’s a completely logical app, if you view sex as transactional (which it has always ever been.) It’s only a matter of how to structure the transaction. Is it going to be structured through the rules of the patriarchy (extremely confining and largely a raw deal for women). Or, is the transaction going to be somewhat freer (Tinder), or some what purer, albeit commercial (prostitution).
We talk about sex as if it is a need. Okay. But why? What need are we really trying to fulfill? If we don’t ask these questions we are approaching sex (a very powerful act) in a largely unconscious way. If you seek sex unconsciously, no matter how much you get, under whatever circumstances, it’s not likely to be fulfilling. If you seek sex as a mode of domination, (like so many men do, especially the players) that’s a game like so many of those addictive games that leads no where. It’s unfulfilling. No matter how many women you pursue, and con into wanting you, it’s never enough. There’s always someone else. It’s just like money…you can chase that into infinity and never find any peace of happiness.
Sexually empowered women, on the other hand, know what they want. They enjoy sex. They are very aware of what they are getting out of it, fulfillment through the joy of the act — and that is powerful! Not only does this give them a lot of power, it gives them a sort of power that the patriarchy cannot control, and therefore is extremely threatened by.
I have seen firsthand the power that sexually empowered women yield, and I have seen far too many people of both genders become incredibly threatened by them.
This whole dynamic fascinates me, I guess, because somewhere deep in my soul, I feel something is off here. I have never found sexually empowered women to be threatening, but rather, smart, assertive, emotionally aware, and quite honestly more capable than most women, because they nurture a love and acceptance of self that most women find difficult.
And why wouldn’t we? Most women (and men) have allowed themselves to be deeply restricted by ideals of possession, control and domination of women. It is limiting to all of humanity. There is something very, very sick about these concepts. They lead to rape culture. They lead to the devaluation of women and children; and they clearly lead to an over valuation of toxic masculine behaviors that are anti-life and destructive.
We have sexually empowered women to thank for so much behavior that is life-affirming, because sex is life. And sexually empowered women have a reverence for sex and life that is appropriate.
Everyone else is largely playing one version of an idiotic cat and mouse game that, with few exceptions, will lead nowhere.