I study this text entitled A Course in Miracles. One of the reasons I study it is that, for so many years, I was black-hole, atomic-bomb, blast it all to hell, angry. And justified. No one can learn the truth about my childhood experiences and not understand why I had an anger that ran, (and sometimes still does run) SO FUCKING DEEP.
But, that level of anger was destructive, and primarily TO ME. Sure the people I would direct it at, could and often would take some losses, but I knew, ultimately the person hurt the most was me.
So that’s why I began studying the course…to rid myself of anger. And…I’m not done yet, it hasn’t happened. Right now, right at this very moment, I’m in the midst of a spiritual test that is kicking my ass! In short the test is this: Can you be stabbed in the back and in the heart, by someone whom you have a tremendous amount of history and deeply love (my brother) and not be angry?
The answer is sometimes. Sometimes, I’m so livid, so furious, so desperate for answers, and a certain balance — that I seek vengeance, instead of love and restitution. But I want to be seeking the latter.
“Would you rather be right, or at peace?” That’s one of the better questions in A Course in Miracles (ACIM).
Right now, I just want peace. So as I go through the process of securing that, I’m constantly having to fight back a very real and forceful anger. But, I’m doing it.
Anger does have power, for whoever is utilizing it. I think men dislike women having the power that anger brings because they see it as exclusively “their” power. Especially aggression, that is not supposed to be the territory of women.
But, I have a personality, that (because of extreme childhood abuse) allows me to tap into a rage so potent, even men fear and respect it. They can just feel how real it is, and maybe that it is intact justified. Men typically allow my expression of anger…women too, albeit more begrudgingly.
But here’s what I’m learning NOW, (as in right now, this minute.) Peace has more power, WHEN, and this is a critical WHEN, when you are peaceful and fearless.
Peaceful and frightened, leads to passivity, and most aggressive types run roughshod over passivity — and a lot of women, struggle with this problem of passivity. Yes they seem peaceful and/or submissive, but really they are angry, angry, angry, and the more they get ignored, gaslit, run over, the more that anger grows.
But, when you are peaceful, and you feel powerful, it is amazing the doors that energy will open for you, even when you are in a truly horrorific place in life.
Peace really is the way.