I want to applaud you revisiting this story! You basically told me this story in the comment section of my LOA article, and I find it so interesting that you are choosing to revisit it now.
It’s been quite a year…I know for me, and the planet! Maybe for you too. Why do you think you are revisiting your experiences with LOA now?
Based on my year and my experiences, I’m here to tell ya, IT WORKS!
But it’s currency is not thought, but emotion. Therefore you can think, and plan and make vision boards and have group chats until you literally make yourself sick…but emotionally what you will attract will be consistent with whatever those emotions are.
I bought a house last year. A beautiful house in my hometown. Paid cash. It’s old. It requires a great deal of rehabilitation.
My vision was to start a Social Justice Center for women in honor of my mother, who is an amazing woman, with whom for most of my life, I’ve had a very fractured and difficult relationship with. The reasons are very sad and complex; but here it is in a nutshell: my father was an incredibly abusive partner to her. She didn’t leave him easily, and for that I blamed her. FOR YEARS. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right…but it was what it was.
But then, last year, I decided I wanted to heal it. Hence, the establishment of a nonprofit in her name, doing things she has done her entire life…helping women.
So many things have gone right with my mission, my vision. And yet…so many things have gone terribly wrong. And I mean terribly, horribly wrong.
A little over a month ago…I was violently and viciously attacked by my brother. (He was helping me rehab the house.) It was a freak thing that no one could have predicted, but in a way, the signs were there…hindsight is 20/20.
Did I attract this? In a way. I was very, very angry about the way the house was sold to me. I bought the house from a fucking Donald Trump type…God…they are every freaking where…coming out the woodworks…in rare form.
I was very angry about this. I was actually warned by a friend that I harbored too much anger about this. She said to me, and I quote, “Amber, you have to let this anger go, because it’s going to affect your mission going forward.”
And I had tried. I really did. But I felt the seller of the house, a sexist asshole really, had taken advantage of me and tried to intimidate me. It made me very angry. Disproportionately so. I didn’t even understand it. I had worked so hard…for much of my adult life…to overcome that anger which stemmed from the abuse I witnessed and encountered in childhood.
We’ve discussed these things before. You understand them, albeit from a far less angry perspective. You seem to be more like my mom…you just abide and deal…you don’t seem to really encounter anger in the face of abuse. You’re seem shrug shoulders and say, “it is what it is.”
That response makes me ANGRY! Don’t know why…I’m just not hardwired to respond like you or her. Hence…I’ve always carried a great deal of anger about it…when I encountered a man, like my father and 45, when buying this house, I GOT ANGRY!!! VERY ANGRY!
I put out all that anger…and I got it back…in a really hurtful and painful way. It was a hard LOA lesson to learn.
The key is emotions…and it’s hard to even tackle emotions without tackling our underlying programming, which is often laced with so much negativity and we don’t even know it’s there.
For example…I’m cold right now, in this very moment. That feeling automatically pulls up so much negativity tied to so many past negative experiences, that it’s a battle for me to attract anything positive in this moment. How do I override this? How do I become okay with being cold? I don’t quite know how, but I know this much: Me doing that is a part of being able to attract positive feelings and experiences for the day.
This feeling cold puts me back into a space where I am sad and angry, just automatically angry and I know full well that particular emotion is my kryptonite. It destroys me…and I know this…and yet…I keep getting angry!
Therefore, no matter how great I feel at times, no matter what I attract, this anger will seep in and contaminate it…even my LOA activity is often laced with anger…anger that I’m not getting what I expect as quickly as I would like…and that leads to disasterous consequences.
Anger also leads to a whole buffet of negativity- fear, anxiety, terror, sadness, exhaustion. Seriously? How can I expect to attract anything good while moving in this kind of energy?
Emotions are a very difficult currency for me to work in, as I feel them very strongly…always have.
Why am I telling you all this?
I suspect this is your issue as well. Not in the same way it’s my issue. For you, I suspect you don’t feel anything strong enough. You live in a world of intellect, as in a way, that has worked for you. You’re very intelligent, so many strengths there, what good are emotions? Why work with those?
Because…that’s the real currency! I learned that the hard way this year.
It’s been quite a year…I’ve felt exhilarated, empowered, victorious, angry, enraged, terrified, violated, defeated, sad, afraid.
But…I feel like the energy on the planet is changing in that we are attracting the things that we feel so much quicker than ever before.
At least…that’s been the case for me…so I’ve got to learn to be more careful! I’m learning the hard way…but at least I’m learning.
So when I see you revisiting LOA, I want to throw out a warning…be careful! Please! Especially, given your past experiences. Get clear on what you feel! Not what you think…I think highly intelligent people get them confused. Take all the thoughts away and just get clear on what you feel. Any negative feelings will attract negative ish…and no one really wants that! It’s just that we don’t know what we do.
I am looking forward to your take on Synchronicity. I read your posts because you remind me so much of women I’m related to but have always been at a distance from. (My father’s female relatives.) I view reading up on you as a way to connect with a part of myself that has always been missing from my life. But I never really had it…so I wonder…how can you miss it? Why do you want to know these women so badly? Well…because I feel like they have the answers to why I am the way I am. Or at lest I feel like they could help. I see myself in them, from what I know of them…I see very little of myself in my mother…that’s always been a part of our difficulties.
One of the last things a Great Aunt said to me was, “I wanted to help you, but I was always so far away.”
It made me sad…cause I knew it was true…sigh…life.