I’ve been called crazy my entire life, and at a certain point, very early in my life experience, my response was “yeah, and? I’m still going to say what I wanna say, and I DON’T CARE, if you think I’m crazy!”
I made it clear that, I didn’t give a damn whether someone called me crazy, because I was smart enough to see through THAT particular bullshit, and to throw it back I such a way, that they knew that I KNEW, this was some bullshitty, gaslighting game they were trying to play with me, to get me to go along with a vast and societal misogyny that I clearly rejected.
I was good with words. I was good at using people’s own words to back them into corners so that the bullshit they were trying to push onto me, hit my invisible fan and splattered back on to them…and essentially I ended up being more trouble than I was worth.
“Leave that crazy bitch alone.” Lest I open my mouth and crack their face and leave them running for cover. I would often say the things that no one else had the courage to. I often met with severe consequences for it, but I wouldn’t back down because to me, the things that I was saying were TRUE, and I wasn’t going to back down from the truth.
I believed, beyond any doubt, I had the moral high ground on a lot of issues; And if you tried to force me to co-opt some crazy misogynistic bullshit, I’d ultimately get louder and louder about what I believed to be true, shaming those who offered counter arguments and ideas in the process. Believe me, almost nothing will earn you a title of “crazy bitch” faster than that. People hate being embarrassed or shamed, and therefore the only counter argument is to call you crazy…and if you happen to be female, it’s such an easy and trite thing for them to do…and totally run with.
But I KNEW, I wasn’t crazy. I knew the craziness was outside of me, and the crazy accusers were trying to make me co-opt this external craziness. I refused.
As for me, I just entrenched more deeply and self righteously into that which I believed to be true — wife beating? WRONG. This was my truth, which I would never back away from, no matter how much people tried to nudge me into granting exceptions.
At least when I was young. But time marched on. Crazy-making for women is so pervasive and deeply ingrained in the nature of society, it got to me. It wore me down.
In my twenties, I had similar healthcare issues with my baby, which almost led to tragic consequences just because some asshole “Doctor” wanted to act like I was crazy…when I was freaking out about my baby…wait for it…wait for it…NOT BREATHING.
I can’t make this shit up. It’s true. My baby wasn’t breathing to the point of being blue…Male ER doctors treated me like I was a hysterical nut…and I had to get my personal pediatricians to override them.
It was a woman doctor who finally did that, BUT NOT BEFORE, she accused me of negligence and bad parenting for bringing her a “blue baby.” She shouted at me for not going to the ER first, and at the time, I didn’t have the strength to argue with her. I was emotionally exhausted trying to care for a blue baby and being told I was crazy for it! Can you even imagine what that feels like? It’s hell.
It was a brave nurse who spoke up for me complaining that I HAD gone to ER several times and the ER docs just kept sending me back to the pediatricians.
Ooops! Whose negligent now? Some doctor man, who was not to be questioned for his life endangering practices of refusing to admit a blue baby to the hospital. I never got any sort of apology for THAT gross negligence…only a male pediatrician in the practice that I visited, making endless excuses for it…but of course. Those docs couldn’t have been wrong, now could they? They were men!
Thank God that women have the courage to persevere and persist despite all the hateful, toxic and insane rhetoric they have to endure, just to be treated with even a shred of dignity. Women will fight for their children, when they have been suckered out of fighting for themselves. It’s a beautiful thing.
I know that it’s probably dangerous to say that women, should not trust doctors, but honestly- we shouldn’t. They’ve been trained to dismiss any and all of our concerns, and tell us we’re crazy…they have an entire well documented history of just that practice- as mentioned above…hysteria indeed.
And as for being crazy? Boom, boom ain’t it great! It really is, when you consider what the “norm” for women is supposed to be. The “norm” is to let any and all men walk all over you, wipe their feet on you, kick you, piss on you and shit all over you (quite literally you R. Kelly fans…that’s what YOU advocate.) And then, after you go along with all of that, you get berated for being a stupid, incompetent, passive bitch that goes for anything…which is why…quiet as it is kept, men LIKE crazy, because no one likes a doormat. No one.
No women are not crazy, but they do respond to the craziness that is put upon them in largely irrational ways, because how else can you respond? Screaming and yelling and throwing things is largely appropriate to a world this insane — and I’m happy, thrilled actually that the millennial women are pushing back and rocking it out with all this crazy!