Thinker Thursdays — Love!
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Happy Thursday Readers and Writers! It’s Amli, your everyday Lightworker. As a part of my light work, I would like to invite join our Life-in-10 Minutes Community.
Life in 10 is an actual (and now virtual) space where readers, writers, thinkers and be-ers from all over the world commune to manage…wait for it… life!
And not easy life…not the oh look at my brand new pair of shoes life, but the Oh my God, I am about to lose my house life, or I’m really trying to beat this heroine addiction life, or white supremacy is just beating me the fuck down, life.
WE DO REAL LIFE.
And we do it in 10 minutes!
(Well most of us do. I am more of a life in at least an hour sort of person. As my readers here well know, I can go on!)
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I think, (we just started this) my day is going to be Thinker Thursday.
And so, let’s get started! I’m so excited to be doing this! What are we going to think about today? First love. I know, random! Right? Why?
Because right now, I’m thinking, wherever we are on the earth plane we could all use a little love and light. So let’s think about the very first time we feel in love (if you did). It can be any kind of love, love for your cat, your dog, your tree in your backyard…the idea is to tap into the feeling of love! Why? Because it’s good for you!
Right now…because I am needing some sort of escape from what can seem like a hell on earth reality, I have been thinking of the first time I fell in love. GOD! It was fun! But not without issues! I find that in life, very little ever is. Life is a difficult and challenging game, designed expressly for us! And we gotta get through it! We have got to find a way! Even when it seems dark and hopeless and we feel lost. We have to get through!
I wrote a memoir: The Way Through, Lessons Learned on Life, Love and the Journey, The excerpt below from the memoir is about the first time I feel in love!
I hope it jogs your memory! Gives you ideas! And causes you to think very deeply, about everyone’s favorite thing in the world! Love.
Excerpt from The Way Through — What I Saw in His Eyes Was Love
He loves you Lisa. I mean he really loves you.”
It just wasn’t something I wanted to hear. Key was a player. He didn’t love me. Now that was really crazy. So. I said,
“He does not.”
“Do you see the way he looks at you?”
And honestly, it was hard to dismiss Melanie, because she was…had always been, so very perceptive. But, I still didn’t want to entertain the idea, so I said,
“He just wants sex. Until I give it to him, I can get him to do whatever I want.”
That was my take on him anyway. It was the only way I could make sense of Key tolerating my crazy ass for all of this time. He was trying to get my goodies just so he could say he got them. That was the game that players played. Because Melanie liked to play provocative games too, she walked over to Key and asked him,
“Is it true that Lisa can get you to do whatever she wants?”
Key turned to me,
“Is that what you tell your friends about me?”
“No! Why would I tell her something like that? Just ignore Melanie, she’s crazy!”
And she was, because Melanie was always telling people the truth. Who in the hell wanted to hear that?
“Lisa, I know you said it, because that sounds like something you would say and that’s probably what you think.”
His remark was unsettling, especially since he was right about all of it.
After the prom, we went to a party at Monique’s house. Monique’s date had brought an entire box full of alcohol. I had never drunk any hard liquor, but I figured, what the hell, it was the prom after all. After two shots of vodka, I was officially drunk. For reasons that I could not understand, this really bothered Key. After we left Monique’s party, I asked Key to take me to the lagoon behind the art museum.
Sex. It was a very touchy subject with me. My previous sexual experiences with Dominic had all been disasters. Prior to Dominic, I’d been kissed and heavily touched by maybe ten or twelve guys. All those guys were exactly the same. They all got to a point where they tried to force me into what they wanted. They could be very aggressive and demanding, but I was good at saying no. I had no problem with no. I had no problem with biting, kicking and screaming no, if need be. No worked. Typically, it worked very well. I’d never been date raped (although a couple of situations did get a little dicey.)
With Key, I was absolutely certain that I would run into the same scenario. I expected force, aggression, demands, but no. He was never like that. In everything that he did, he was very slow and relaxed. He’d kiss me, very slowly. He’d put his hand on my knee and try to move it up my thigh, very slowly. Whenever he moved up too far, though, I’d tense up. It was just a natural reaction for me. Then, he’d back off and stop all together. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have sex with me. Oh, he did. But he practiced amazing restraint. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Well, on my prom night, I decided to put Key to the ultimate test. I jumped over the front seat, and into the back and started taking off my clothes.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Let’s do it.”
“No … not like this … you’re drunk.”
“C’mon, I want to . . . really.”
He looked so conflicted, like he was struggling with a serious moral dilemma. Would he really turn this down? This was what he wanted. Here I was handing it to him, so easily.
“C’mon, please . . . I want to.”
I really needed to get this whole thing behind me. Once he got what he wanted, he’d be gone. All I could think was good riddance. I was tired of this game we were playing. Seeing his hesitation, I wondered what was the problem? Wasn’t this what he wanted?
Finally, he relented.
I guess because I was so drunk, I thought it would be easy. But when Key pushed forward into me, I felt like a virgin all over again. It hurt like hell. I wanted to scream. When I tensed up in anticipation of excruciating pain, he asked me,
“Are you okay?”
When I looked at him to respond, I saw something deep, like nothing I had ever seen before. His eyes were filled with love. Pure and simple, love.
“Yeah.”
Key loved me. Deep down on some soul level, I knew he did. I could feel it. But I didn’t understand it. He kissed me tenderly and said,
“Just relax.”
I did; and it was not like before. Sex with Dominic felt like being crucified in my very private place. I just thought that was sex. But, with Key, it was totally different. He moved so slowly, gently, and smoothly. It actually felt good! What a surprise.
And then, I felt this sort of fluttering, like butterflies, except lower; and then I realized that this was probably an orgasm. The first I had ever experienced.
After it was all over, I had to admit I was impressed, very, very impressed. To enjoy sex was something that I had never expected. I was terrified of what it meant.
Actually, I knew, exactly what it meant.
Somewhere, somehow, totally accidentally, I had fallen in love.
