Thinker Thursdays — Let’s Talk About Love

The Incredible Beginning, the Muddling Middle and the Bitter End

Happy Thursday Readers and Writers! It’s Amli, your everyday Lightworker, coming at you live and direct from the Life in 10 Minutes platform!

Please stay a while to think about, write about, and philosophize about…you guessed it, life! (In under 10 minutes!)

It’s Thinker Thursdays, so what we gonna think about this Thursday? February is coming up. What is the superstar of February? Valentine’s Day! It falls dead smack in the middle of this otherwise dreary month (for those of us on the part of the globe that is deep in the deep throws of winter).

It’s cold outside. Valentine’s Day gives you an excuse to bundle up with a big mug of cocoa and a heart shaped box of chocolates and a bottle of wine, and that special someone! I spent one Valetine’s Day massaging my lover’s feet with…my face! Must have been in love right? Love…we will do the craziest things for love!

Don’t have a man? Or a woman, or like whatever? I don’t care, love is love! You do you! (Except for the kids and the animals, leave them alone. I draw a hard line there. I ain’t playing with you.)

Photo by Pakistani Stylish Boys on Unsplash

But that brings me to a very important question, what is love? Seriously. Do you think it can be found in that box of chocolates or a dozen roses? Have you ever actually received a box a chocolate and a dozen roses? I have. It’s nice and luxurious feeling.

Photo by JD Mason on Unsplash

But…it didn’t go quite as expected. The roses got sent to the mailroom of my college dorm, where they withered and died because we could only pick-up packages once a week. There were other things going on in that relationship, that made the receipt of a dozen roses at that particular time, let’s just say awkward.

I didn’t feel worthy of the roses. I suppose that’s why I didn’t get to enjoy them, excepting the one or two that survived the trauma of being shelved in a dark, sunless and waterless storage room.

Romantic love is like that…we have all of these ridiculous Hallmark expectations that never live up to the reality of what love really is.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Crazy About Love

And so, I ask you, what is love? What are its stages? I mean it’s great when it’s young and new, right? Puppy love! (Have you ever loved a puppy? It’s the best!) That puppy love so heightened and thrilling and fun! Some people, like the fake duchess Fergie, just fall in love with being in love.

Then, there are those of us, who you know how we do, we don’t half step with anything! We go all in, get a lil crazy with it. Like Beyonce. At first, Jay had her so crazy…we know because she told us, wildly danced it out for us, sat in a car that had been set on fire and emerged unscathed, I guess, ready for real love!

Have you ever been in love like that? He got you looking and acting so crazy? Sitting in cars that are on fire? I have been in that kind of love. It’s fun! I’m here to tell you it’s a fun time! But…it’s not gonna last. It’s just not.

It’s impossible to sustain those heightened levels of dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin in our brains (the love drugs) for a long duration. These love drugs have the same effect on your brain as cocaine! It’s a scientific fact! Check out the Chemistry of Connection a book by Susan Kuchinskas, to get the full skinny on love dope!

The Reality of Love

Girl, I’m in love with you

But it’s not the honeymoon

We’re past the Infatuation stage.

You can’t stay on that cocaine high forever. The coke runs out. That car that was racing and on fire, hits a pot hole. It blows a tire. The love stalls, or maybe comes full stop and you’ll realize that you aren’t the superman or woman with this guy or gal that you imagined yourself to be; and he or she isn’t all that either.

Sometimes it’s heaven sent

Then we head back to hell again

And we kiss and we make up on the way.

Then comes the reckoning…there are so few songs about the reckoning! But John Legend did an extraordinary job of describing the reckoning, in his song, “Ordinary People.” Take a listen here; and tell me if this isn’t what love is really like?

This ain’t the movies y’all

No Fairytale conclusions

It gets more confusing everyday

It gets more confusing everyday…my God! That has been my experience…real, every day love is hard and confusing. The part with the little boy between the battling parents breaks my heart…literally breaks my heart, all over again…it hits very close to home…I was that little boy. It’s no fun being that little boy- trust.

This is the reason I was so determined to make my own marriage, with children work. And I did it…for damn near 30 years…yay me!

Can I sail through the Changing Ocean Tides

Can I handle the Seasons of my Life?

I don’t know.

Then there comes the point when you have to make a decision. Are you going to stick it out? Can you make it work? Or is it time to call it quits? Stevie Nick’s “Landslide”, which is about her questioning the validity of her two loves, her music and man, (they were deeply entangled) because of fear and crushing poverty. But this line:

I took my love, and I took it down.

Is lyrical gold. I mean, who among us in a serious relationship hasn’t considered taking our love down? Who, especially women, hasn’t been afraid of changing, because they built their life around some man? So many women (myself included)…have been deeply afraid of this. When she asks herself if she can handle the changes, should she decided to make them, she answers herself, honestly…I don’t know.

That line always made me cry. When I was younger, these were the conversations had with myself (crying and listening to “Landslide”), feeling scared because, I did not know.

That’s why when she wrote that line…Stevie got her hit and she didn’t have to worry about poverty no more! She tapped into a vein of feeling that almost everyone, every single person in a romantic relationship has felt.

In The End

I put my trust in you? I pushed as far as I could go, and for all this, there’s only one thing you should know: I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. They Must. These romantic relationships can end in two…no actually make three ways”: till death do us part, bitterly or amicably. Of these three choices, none of them is fun, but the third one is probably the least painful.

If you happen to have some version of the fairy tale, where you actually do live with that special someone for the rest of your days, happily ever after, the love affair will end in death. Yeah I know. Pretty intense and difficult to live through. I watched my mom struggle through that with the death of my stepdad. Just vicariously watching her struggle through that, I know it can be really rough; I do not look forward to experiencing that in any way shape or form.

It is far more likely in these unpredictable and unstable modern times, that your wild and crazy love affair will not end in death, but rather with a breakup. And this break-up is either going to be good, mutual, amicable, and agreeable. Or it’s going to be bad, which is to say incredibly torturous, adversarial, tormenting, particularly aggravating and anguished.

The song that best embodies this kind of break up, (in my humble opinion) is In the End, by Linkin Park. I love the Eminem look alike, who sings this song (his name is Chester Bennington, and he didn’t even like the song and didn’t want it on the album.) Well, good thing someone over rode him. They put it on the album, ad of course, it blew up, for the same reason Steve Nicks found her pot of gold at the end of the rainbow with Landslide!

I put my trust in you? I pushed as far as I could go, and for all this, there’s only one thing you should know: I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.

Now…how many people can relate to that? Almost everyone who has been fully invested in an intimate relationship that has for whatever reason disintegrated into a million tiny pieces.

The rapper gives us a pretty accurate description of the kind of dialogue and feelings experienced at the end of a romantic relationship. But Bennington, just adds that special umph, with his crooning, crying and screaming! This is about how it feels in the end. I love how he captures both the feminine (soft disappointment and hurt) and masculine (rage anger and hurt) aspects of all the feelings experienced in the end.

And then that video! The huge crying statue, Bennington walking to the edge of it, as if about to jump off the side of it, which would essentially be like jumping off a cliff…into a barren, cracked dessert landscape that is growing some kind of thorny, painful dagger like vines.

Yep, that’s about what it feels like at the end of a bad break-up.

But it doesn’t always need like that. Sometimes the endings are quiet and sad…just sad. And no one is really to blame, or rather, the blame is equal, and neither wants to be blamed for the end, nor does either one want to be the blamer. Honestly, no one really knows what the fuck happened. Something just doesn’t work. The two people love each other and all…and they want the best for each other. They just realize it’s not going to be with each other. And…that is sad.

It’s Important to me

That you know you are Free

Because I never want to make you change, for me

The mood of that is captured perfectly in “Hello It’s Me” originally sung by the Isley Brothers, but I like Amel Larriex’s version.

The song starts off like an agreeable enough conversation, no screaming, no fighting, no weeping gnashing of teeth. Just a discussion of the reality of a sad situation.

Hello, It’s me, It’s me baby

I thought about us for a long, long time

Maybe I think too much, but something is wrong

Something here that doesn’t last too long

Maybe I shouldn’t think of you as mine

It’s Important to me

That you know you are Free

Because I never want to make you change, for me

This is the breakup where the two people love each other…they truly do, but compatibility or communication issues are getting in the way too much. They can’t get their timing right, they can’t get the words right, they can’t get their personalities to mesh…they just cannot, no matter how hard they try. No matter what they do, the relationship does not work…even though they want to. They really, really want to. But, they have to give it up. They have to let it go, for both of their sakes. They have to…they just do.

Your Life in Love

So, Life-in-Tenners, what about your experiences in love? (Anyone can be a Life-in-Tenner all you have to do is read, write and think, for ten minutes! Come on! You can do anything for 10 minutes)

Which love experience resonates with you the most? The falling in? The breaking up? The rough middle? (No one ever sings songs about the rough middle, and ironically that’s the part we all struggle the worst with! We need more songs about the rough middle, so we don’t feel so alone it! Shout out to John Legend for “Ordinary People”… it’s not sexy…but its real.

Don’t get lost in this. Just write about it for 10 minutes! Here is my piece on love, and all its conditions. I did it in 10!

When you’re all done, (with that masterpiece on love that you did in 10 minutes) please Submit your Life in 10 here. Also, check out our Facebook group! We have so much fun! Writing in ten minutes! Try it!

Peace,

Amli, your Everyday Lightworker

Author of The Way Through, Lessons Learned on Life Love and the Journey.

Working with the Light!

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