Well thank you! I love compliments on my writing and can never get enough! But at any rate, at the time I had the experience (17 years old) I knew nothing about the human psyche. Nearly 30 years later, I know a bit more (YouTube!), but really still not enough to adequately describe why and how that experience was so frightening.
At the time, I had no idea I was being mindfucked, I just kept thinking to myself “this shit don’t feel right.”
I told no one, because even if I could have put it into words, no one would have believed me, probably. Maybe my stepdad or uncle, who seemed to see the guy for who he really was, but all the women in my family thought this man was just awesome.
When the relationship finally ended, I got a lot of flack from these women who thought I had made a mistake in letting him let me go. But I honestly felt like I had literally dodged a bullet.
Even now, though much older and much wiser, I struggle to put this experience into words. I’m only trying (and it’s frustrating!) because as I said before, I think a lot of people fall into these kinds of traps in relationships and if they could recognize them they could get out, like I did. But it’s difficult, because I think these relationships are probably addictive. I’ve never had much of an addictive personality, but once I got out of that relationship, it was hard not to go back into it, the way it was hard to stay on a diet. (Food was always my worst addiction.)
I think it was my fear of him, that kept me away. That was more powerful than my love for him. I am really risk adverse, especially in regard to relationships. Most women I think are not — which is to say they will stay with a. dangerous mothefucker for quite a long time, to the point of fatality, or close to it.
And this goes for men too. I just hear women talk about this dynamic and experience far more than men do; but men to get caught up in these dangerous and addictive cycles in relationships, as well.
I mean, this relationship that I’m writing about was extremely dysfunctional, but as much as I am complaining about this mindfucking, I played an ugly role in the relationship too. Believe me, I was in rare-fucking form. Whenever I remember how I behaved in that relationship, I am deeply ashamed. And people will tell me, “well Amber, you weren’t that bad.” And…certainly people have behaved worse.
But at the end of the day, you have to live with you, so if you are behaving in a way that makes you feel deeply ashamed, you should stop doing that…and that was one of the ways I got out of the relationship, I made a decision to stop behaving badly in it. And…in doing that, I think he had less traction to use in the whole mindfuck thing.
But I don’t know. The whole thing was so crazy. I was behaving so badly with the hopes of pushing him away from me, but the worst I behaved, the closer he seemed to get to me! I was like what the fuck!
lol! Looking back on it, it’s funny…because it all turned out okay. Well, between me and him it turned out okay.
But seven years later, He ended up getting murdered. It broke my heart, but sadly, I wasn’t surprised. He was dangerous, and I always figured it was only a matter of time before someone came gunning for him. Eventually, they did.