Wow…how very perceptive. This experience happened 30 years ago, and it was a very intense experience. I’d call it a spiritual experience-like a test. I passed. But not that great c+/c- range.
A lot of things happened in that relationship that tested me and him. I had to learn about things like karma, reciprocity, detatchment.
I learned a lot of spiritual things in that relationship. And yet, the experience was so scary, after it ended, I repressed most of it. Then the whole thing popped up when he was murdered in 1996 — that was painful, for a lot of different reasons. No closure for one, he wanted it-I kept refusing to give it because he scared me. Then when he died, and I couldn’t give it, even if I wanted to. I went into grief crisis.But eventually I moved beyond that. For a long time, I blamed myself for his murder. I felt like I was someone in a position to have stopped it. Now…I don’t think so…but honestly how can you really know. Hindsight is NOT always 20/20.
The last time this seriously popped up was about 8 to 10 years ago. Thought I was done with it! But you’re right, current experiences are triggering this. (Watching The Wire) As well as preparing to work with a youth population that could best be described as “street.” There are other descriptors, but we’re going to be decent human beings and not use them.
But…do you know why this relationship bothers me so much to this day? (Only another Libra could understand this.) Because I failed me. I failed Libra and all the values we stand for in this multiverse-truth, justice, integrity, fairness, balance. Libras have to live their lives dedicated to those concepts and if they don’t, they are letting the multiverse down.
In that relationship, I failed Libra. Integrity was shot to shit…fairness? Balance? Highly compromised. I tried to stand in truth, but was shaky, because I was so scared. Justice wasn't no where to be found.
IT WAS A BIG LIBRA FAILURE!
Only another Libra can understand my pain. Still, the story is going to be about sexism and many other things, so don’t give up on it. I respect your feedback, it’s on point. If you experienced this community (as you claim you have) then I really need feedback from readers like you to check me. To be like “hey that doesn’t seem right…or, yeah I totally get that.”
Will you help? It’s for the kids! I gotta understand this street life better, for the most part, I was ghetto royalty and stayed on the porch. Not much time on the street, ever so rarely in the gutter, gagged and choked on the stench of the sewer….sooooooo my knowledge about those worlds is very limited.