Yes innovative people in the field understand that this is truly a human problem. Women who are subjected to violence or grow up in violent homes, become violent against their children, and against their mates. It’s a sickness that infects us all. Children are the most damaged victims really. Children come in both genders and it really irritates me when people want to play dumb and blind to the other half of the problem. A little boy who has grown up in this kind of home, has also been severely traumatized and will grow up to be an abuser or will grow up to have any number of psychological problems attributable to seeing a parent suffer from physical abuse.

Unfortunately, the field of treating victims of domestic violence has been developed by feminist theory, which seems to need that the focus never be taken off the victim being female, or that the female victim is the most at risk. Also not true. The children-again both genders-are the most at risk. And it is just horrific in my opinion, the way this has been largely ignored by the feminists who push forward methods of treatment.

The agency that I am affiliated with treats everyone -and also identifies the fact that often both the male and the female in the relationship are often both victim and abuser — which only makes sense of you understand the dynamics of dysfunctional, codependent relationships. No ones hands are clean in many of these relationships.

As the big Sis who grew up in a house that was extremely violent, I used to defend my younger brothers against all of their abusive dysfunctional tendencies, because I knew how they got there. I don’t anymore, because at a certain point, whoever and whatever you are you have to take responsibility for your own life, and at least try to do the right thing.

One of my brothers turned out to be one of the most abusive, destructive, womanizing, misogynistic man, I have ever known…and while most people think he’s a terrible person (and he is) I don’t necessarily see him that way, because I know how he got there. To me, the problem is more complex than saying my brother is a bad man, which the verdict is in on that, and that’s how the world sees him. But I always want to say to the world, “but you don’t know what this man went through as a really young child! You didn’t witness it, as I did! You don’t really know, the whole story! You shouldn’t judge!”

One of my brothers did not turn into that…but he’s a train wreck in almost any intimate relationship he tries to have. He is extremely conflicted. It’s hard to know how to be in a healthy relationship when your childhood model was soooooooo dysfunctional. He tries and fails almost every time.

I say all of that to say this, it’s definitely a human problem that affects both genders deeply. I have had plenty of male students describe the domestic violence they have experienced both as victim and abuser in great detail, so I think men owning these stories about it is becoming more prevalent simply because the problem is so extraordinarily pervasive.

Working with the Light!

Working with the Light!